Domestic violence is universal. Anyone, regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, religion, race, socio-economic status, or culture can be a victim or an abuser. While abuse, at its core, is about power and control, there are many different ways this can manifest, from physical and verbal abuse to financial and technological abuse. Similarly, there are many types of abusers. From beliefs to tactics to the type of control they seek over their victims, there is no one “abuser profile” for people to identify and avoid. Psychologists and researchers have, however, created various ways to categorize abusers to better study, understand, and share knowledge about them. Abusers may fall into more than one of these categories, combine certain aspects of several categories, or perhaps not be easily identifiable with any of them. This post will explore different well-known abuser archetypes, comparisons, and intensities to better grasp the scope and range of abuser motivations and methods.
Abuser Archetypes
An archetype in this context is a model or classification based on patterns of behavior that occur frequently. The following archetypes are adapted and combined from various sources (DomesticShelters, Mental, Choices, Power, Why Ch. 4) to provide a broad idea of the most common ways abuse tends to manifest, without being a definitive or comprehensive list. Each archetype has a descriptive name/heading to illustrate the overall idea in a word or two. These titles may vary from source to source but are generally synonymous, expressing the same archetypal concept. They are presented here gender neutrally, though some are more common amongst, or almost exclusive to, men, the majority abuser demographic.
The Dictator
Sometimes called the Drill Sargent, the Military General, and the Control Freak, the Dictator needs to control everything. They want to know and approve of every little thing their victims do, from where they go and who they interact with to what they wear and eat. Victims must not have any strength, agency, or independence. The Dictator acts like they own their victims with complete authority over them and must be the only person with any control or influence in their victims’ lives. They may profess intense love alongside contempt for their victims. When their control extends over an entire family (versus a single victim), social scientist Lucio Buffalmano dubbed this archetype the Padre Patrone. He finds this variation to be more common in conservative and religious countries with “cultures of honor”, where men are societally encouraged to inhabit this role and mocked as “spineless” if they don’t.
The Traditionalist Brute
For the Traditionalist Brute, strength and aggression are good, while compassion and peaceful conflict resolution are bad. They are often aggressive and physically violent with everyone, not just their victims. They have exaggerated “traditional” views of men and women, that women should serve men and that men should protect their women because they are inferior. Traditionalist Brutes feel men should not be in any way feminine and women should not display any typically masculine traits. They cannot stand to be remotely associated with homosexuality or behaviors they correlate with this. They may contradictorily believe that, in general, men should not hit women and that a man must sometimes hit his female partner to “keep her in line” or punish “bad behavior”. This archetype is also known as the Criminal or Rambo.
The Sadist
The Sadist, or the Terrorist, is excited and satisfied when their victim is terrified and finds cruelty thrilling. They view their victim as something evil that must be kept in check with physical power, threats, and fear. Victims of the Sadist cannot defy them in any way or have any independence. Their lives are in the Sadist’s hands, who frequently reminds them of this. The Sadist uses physical and psychological torture to rule through constant terror to make their victim obey them and stay with them. This type of abuser may be more prone to using children to threaten and control their victim. A variation on the Sadist is the Misogynist. The Misogynist specifically hates women, feeling no empathy, compassion, or concern for them, believing they must be controlled and degraded simply because they are women.
The Sex Obsessed
The Sex Obsessed archetype is focused solely on sex. They have no interest in any of the non-sexual aspects of relationships, often ignoring their victims’ needs and only being “in” the relationship when it is convenient for them. They may be sexually aggressive/abusive or physically/verbally abusive when victims do not reciprocate or comply with their sexual demands. Also sometimes called the Player or the Philanderer, the Sex Obsessed may argue that flirting is just “part of their personality” and they are thus not doing anything wrong when they flirt with others. They may justify sleeping with others if the victim cannot meet their sexual needs or claim it’s not their fault others find them “sexually irresistible” and they cannot be expected to resist temptation when they are “seduced”. Sex Obsessed heterosexual men, in particular, often follow traditional gender norms, believing women are inferior to men and that their only purpose is for men to have sex with. They unreasonably see women who want sex as “loose” and women who don’t want sex as “uptight”.
The Demander
The Demander demands the victim do everything for them and never demand anything from them. They see everything as the victim’s responsibility and fault, whether or not it has anything to do with the relationship or if the Demander should be the one responsible. They often criticize the victim and become angry if they are inconvenienced or the victim asks something of them. The Demander sees themselves as loving, giving, and above criticism; the victim should be grateful to have them. When it serves them in some way, the Demander may be generous and supportive, but they expect a tenfold “return” on these acts from their victims and may bring up isolated instances to justify their demands for years afterwards. As long as the victim is able to meet their needs, the Demander may be less controlling than other archetypes. Similar to the Demander is the Anxious Attached abuser, who is often codependent on their victim and may be entitled and demanding out of fear of abandonment or lack of unconditional love.
The Emotional Possessive
Also known as Jealous or Emotionally Needy, the Emotionally Possessive abuser is extremely possessive and distrustful of their victim. They constantly monitor the victim’s whereabouts and communication, their phone and social media accounts. Emotionally Possessive abusers are overly jealous and seek to isolate their victims from friends and family, seeing infidelity in the most innocent of interactions. They constantly seek reassurance and attention and can be clingy with a tendency to love bomb their victims. They may use guilt, manipulation, and threats to influence and control their victims.
The Scornful Superior
Variations on the Scornful Superior include Mr. Right, the Chauvinist, the Narcissist, the Competitor, and the Criticizer. The Scornful Superior believes their victim should be in awe of them. They are condescending and feel they know best about everything, including the victim’s life, and that the victim’s opinions are worthless. Disagreeing with them about anything shows the Scornful Superior that the victim is clearly wrong and even mistreating the abuser by disagreeing with them. They feel the victim should just accept their own “stupidity” and that the Scornful Superior is always right. The Narcissist variation takes this sense of inflated self-importance further, exaggerating their achievements and abilities, expecting to be admired and recognized as superior or special. They may get angry when criticized in any way and are only interested in how the victim can make them look and feel good. The Competitive variation views relationships as contests to be won at any cost. They may belittle or criticize their victims in order to feel superior to them, take credit for their victim’s achievements, or undermine or disregard them in their need to “win”.
The Spin Doctor
The Spin Doctor is also known as the Gaslighter, the Master Debater, the Therapist, and the Water Torturer. They attempt to control their victims by making them (and others) believe the victim is crazy or overly sensitive. They listen to the victim and know what information, pressure points, and sensitivities to use against them, provoking them into frustration and outbursts. They are psychological torturers and master manipulators, employing denial, misdirection, and lies to create confusion and doubt and to shift blame or cast the victim as the abusive one. Spin Doctors may also use “therapy talk” to maintain control or reinforce their “diagnosis” that their victims have “issues”. Some may also use passive aggression and “silent treatment” to appear cooperative but actually undermine or secretly sabotage their victims. These abusers express anger through procrastination, sulking, sarcasm, derision, refusing to speak, and ignoring their victims’ calls, texts, and even their physical presence. They feel since they remain calm, these tactics cannot be considered abuse. A variation on the Spin Doctor is the Sensitive Soul, or Mr. Sensitive, who plays up how sensitive, gentle, supportive, and “not like others” they are while using guilt, blame, and “psychobabble” to control their victims.
The Sufferer
The Sufferer paints themselves as the ultimate victim, that life has been hard and unfair, that everyone has misunderstood them and “done them wrong”, especially past partners. They thrive off pity and sympathy and may lie to get it. They deflect accountability, claiming they are not responsible for their actions due to past hardships. If their victim complains or accuses them of anything, the Sufferer declares this shows the victim is cruel, unfair, and “just like the rest”, perhaps accusing them of being “against” the Sufferer or their entire gender. The Sufferer feels they have been “wronged” and are thus justified in doing the same or worse to their victim. They may assert that the victim, other people, or circumstances provoked or forced their abusive behaviors, arguing “You made me do it” and “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have had to do Y”. The Sufferer is also called the Victim, the Blame Shifter, and the Martyr.
The Mentally Ill/Addicted
Neither mental illness nor addiction causes abuse, though they may exacerbate it. Any of the other abuser archetypes may also be mentally ill or addicted to drugs or alcohol, so some experts do not consider this its own archetype. However, Mentally Ill/Addicted abusers may seek to control victims by reminding them that going against them may “trigger” their illness, provoking abuse that would then be the victim’s fault. They use their illness to deflect responsibility for their actions, blaming their abusive behavior on their illness or on a lack of or switch in medication. They claim any challenge from the victim proves the victim is mean and doesn’t understand their problems.
The Cobra/Pitbull Dichotomy
Besides the above archetypes, there are other ways researchers have categorized abusers. In an eight-year study published in 1998, psychologists John Gottman and Neil Jacobson determined that abusers fall into two categories, which they named Pitbulls and Cobras. Buffalmano simplified this dichotomy to psychopaths and non-psychopaths.
Cobras
Cobras are cool, calculated, and calm. They can be charming and charismatic, but, like a cobra, strike out quickly with more severe violence and verbal abuse. They are more likely to strangle their victims, threaten to and actually use a weapon against them, and to also be violent outside of the abusive relationship. Despite appearing aggressive in these situations, their heart rates actually decrease. Their abuse is often planned rather than spontaneous. Cobras seek immediate gratification and feel little to no remorse. They feel they are superior to others and want to control everything. They are more likely to have a history of trauma or family violence and crime. Buffalmano associates Cobras with psychopaths.
Pitbulls
Pitbulls are much more emotional, in motivations, dependence, abusive behaviors, and reactions. They are usually only violent toward their victim and less severely violent than Cobras. They can be obsessive, stalking their victims and becoming emotionally dependent on them. Pitbulls are often passive aggressive and angry. Their abuse is impulsive rather than planned and their heart rate increases during incidents. They might display some guilt at their actions, which they may express by blaming their victim. Pitbulls are the non-psychopaths in Buffalmano’s comparison.
Levels of Control
In a 1994 study, psychologists Amy Holtzworth-Munroe and Gregory L. Stuart reviewed previous decades of research on abuser typography and from this developed their three-category classification. They identified three “descriptive dimensions” to base their classification on: severity of violence, generality of violence, and psychopathy or personality disorders. Based on how these dimensions frequently combined, they created the categories of Family Only, Dysphoric/Borderline, and Generally Violent/Antisocial. Their categorizations are similar to the Cobra/Pitbull classification, only with three levels rather than two.
Family Only
Also called Overcontrolled, Family Only abusers are violent and abusive only within their family (their partner and children). They are low to low-moderate on all three descriptive dimensions, being less frequent and severe in their abuse, less likely to sexually assault or psychologically abuse their victim, and not generally violent or psychopathic. They are often more passive, dependent, and obsessive, with less-developed social skills. They may regret their behavior.
Disphoric/Borderline
Also called Impulsive, Dysphoric/Borderline abusers are mostly moderate on all three descriptive dimensions. They are often physically, psychologically, and sexually abusive toward their family and sometimes others in their life, and are frequently dysphoric, psychologically distressed, and emotionally volatile. They may be impulsive with poor social and communication skills and chronic anger.
Generally Violent/Antisocial
Generally Violent/Antisocial abusers are high or moderate-high on all three descriptive dimensions, perpetrating severe physical, psychological, and sexual abuse, more likely to be aggressive with everyone and engage in criminal behavior and drug/alcohol use, and are the most likely to have antisocial personality disorder or psychopathy. They are more intentional with their abuse, using it as a strategy to get what they want and overcome frustrations (Exploring). They are often cold, calculated, narcissistic, and manipulative.
While none of these various abuser types/classifications perfectly describe or categorize all abusers, they do provide a good base for awareness and education. Many victims will recognize their abuser in one or more of the archetypes above. They may be able to identify the level and type of abuse in either of the more general two or threefold comparisons. Spreading awareness of these common patterns can help victims (and those who may otherwise become victims) identify abusive behavior earlier and better determine how to improve their safety.
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