Domestic violence is a difficult subject to discuss with anyone, let alone a child. It’s hard to know when and how to discuss abuse with children, how to help them understand, what level of detail to go into, or even whether to broach the subject at all. With April being National Child Abuse Prevention Month, it’s an apt time to consider discussing domestic violence with kids, whether they have experienced abuse, witnessed abuse, or have little to no familiarity with it at all. This blog post will explore why it is important to talk about abuse with children with the help of several tips, suggestions, and things to think about before, during, and after having these conversations.
Why Discuss Abuse with Kids
It is common in some families, cultures, or religions, not to talk to children about “adult problems” like abuse. Or some adults may ignore it because they’re uncomfortable discussing it. “Because it’s such a difficult topic to bring up, oftentimes it’s simply avoided,” explains Betsy McAlister Groves, founding director of the Child Witness to Violence Project at Boston Medical Center, “Then you’ve got an elephant-in-the-room problem, and it can really create a kind of wedge between the child and parent. That’s when we start to see behavioral issues.” Establishing open communication and being available to listen and answer questions is the best way to help children deal with anything that may be going on or that may happen to them in the future. Children who understand what constitutes abuse and why it is not ok are more likely to develop healthy relationships as children and as adults. “…Silence isn’t an option,” stresses Lizeth Toscano, a parenting educator with Echo Parenting and Education, “Silence is saying it’s OK that… violence happen[s].”
Educating & Reducing Stigma – Talking to Kids Who Haven’t Experienced or Witnessed Abuse
It is also important for kids who haven’t experienced or witnessed abuse to learn about it. Whether their first encounter is at school, at a friend’s house, or elsewhere, children will witness acts of violence and abuse eventually. “The best-case scenario is that we’re constantly talking to our children about these issues—not just when violence happens,” says Allison Crowe, PhD, a member of the American Counseling Association and an assistant professor at East Carolina University. “Domestic violence is built on silence,” explains Julie Federico, author of a picture book about domestic violence, adding that fear is a barrier for all ages, kids and adults, that prevents them from opening up about abuse. She continues, “If you start talking about it, it kind of starts to dissipate.” Federico wants to see domestic violence education, including how to recognize domestic violence and speak out about it, to be commonplace, just as much as teaching kids about the importance of seatbelts. Carol Santana McCleary, another children’s book author and licensed clinical psychologist agrees, explaining, “Unfortunately, domestic violence continues to be a taboo topic in our society, and we could be doing a lot more to help kids recognize and understand it. In fact, I think all of us, as a community, could and should be doing more.” Making abuse education a normal topic for all children can not only help them better understand it but also reduce the stigma that has kept domestic violence in the shadows for so long.
Supporting & Avoiding Mixed Messages – Talking to Kids Who Experience and/or Witness Abuse
For those living with abuse, having a conversation about domestic violence with kids may be extra challenging for the adult but is extra important for the children. “Having the conversation is hard on the survivor and may trigger anxiety and traumatic memories,” sympathizes Toscano. It can be complicated to teach kids that violence and abuse are not okay when they experience or witness one of their parents or adults in their household abusing another. These mixed messages can lead to confusion in children of any age, but especially for those who are younger and look to their parents as an example of how to act. This very confusion, though, is why it is vital to provide information and model positive behavior for children so that they feel supported and have a healthy example to follow and contrast with the negative one the abuser is modeling. (DomesticShelters)
Discussing Healthy Relationships Before Youth Start Dating
For older kids and teens, discussing abuse takes on a new dimension and importance as they start dating and may experience it themselves or have a friend who does. Teens who have a good understanding of healthy dating relationships can better identify and avoid unhealthy and abusive ones as they explore romance. They may also be able to recognize red flags in friends’ relationships and be better prepared to support and assist them.
Tips for Addressing Abuse with Kids
It can be very challenging to talk with kids about abuse. It is a delicate subject to discuss with impressionable children who may have a difficult time understanding and/or may be traumatized by experiencing or witnessing abuse. Here are some tips and suggestions for talking with kids about abuse, from ideas of when and how to have a discussion to what kinds of things are good to consider and address before, during, and after the discussion.
It’s Never Too Early
Children of all ages are more aware than adults often think. Sometimes when adults assume children are asleep or not paying attention, they are actually listening. While they may not fully understand, they can sense when something is wrong. If they are too young to realize what is happening, they may fill in the gaps with their imaginations and end up worrying about interpretations that are worse than reality. According to Crowe, “There’s never a time that’s too early to start talking to children about violence and safety, self-care and boundaries.” It may seem better to try to protect and shield children, especially very young kids, from domestic violence by lying to them and telling them everything is okay or not addressing abuse they may hear about from others or see in the media. However, this can normalize the violence and abuse in the developing mind of the child and potentially cause trauma or even lead them to continuing the cycle of abuse later in life either as victims or abusers themselves. Though it may be difficult, addressing the issue early can help keep children safe and develop healthy relationships from the outset.
Prepare
Before talking to kids about domestic violence, it can be good to consider how any experiences they may have had or seen could be affecting them. The experiences of the adult having this discussion can also affect their impressions and thoughts and thus what they say to the kids. Thinking about what message(s) they want the kids to take away, how to convey that, and what may be difficult for kids to understand or simply to hear can help the discussion go more smoothly and be more effective. Adults may want to consider deciding on a few significant points they particularly want to make and think about how to break down the conversation to best cover everything clearly and succinctly. Preparing for the fact that what kids share or how they react may be unexpected and potentially difficult and/or painful for the adult can help them react better in the moment. Children might push back or lash out at the adult as they try to process and comprehend what they are hearing and potentially cope with trauma and/or change.
Finding the Right Time
Trauma and resilience training organization Echo recommends taking the lead from the child as to when the time is right to discuss abuse. Whenever possible, talking when the child is ready can result in the most effective conversations. To determine if a child is ready, Echo suggests trying to open the conversation with a comment such as “That must have been so scary for you” or “What was that like for you?” and gauging their reaction. By opening the conversation, adults are telling kids that it is safe to talk and that they don’t have to be alone with their thoughts and worries. When the child is ready, they will begin to communicate either verbally or somatically (through their body’s reactions). “Children tend to internalize issues,” explains Lizeth Toscano, a parenting educator at Echo, “If your child starts developing a lot of tummy aches and would rather stay with you than go to school, that’s a sign he or she needs to talk.” Some kids may start the conversation without prompting, too, and kids can ask questions at surprising times. Not every conversation can be foreseen, which is another reason some thought and preparation can come in handy. Timing can relate to when to pause talking as well. If children get restless or silly, stop listening, or stop asking questions, these may be signs that they are ready to end the conversation, and it may be better to continue or revisit it later. (NCTSN)
Be Confident & Calm
Even very young children are tuned in to emotions. They can often sense how others feel even before any words come out. Their perception of adults’ thoughts and feelings gives children important information about how they themselves should react to their circumstances. When adults are able to speak calmly and confidently, they convey a sense of security to children. A calm tone sends the message that they are in charge and capable and is often a good source of reassurance for children. Even if they do not understand everything the adult says, a soothing and calm voice will help kids be calm, too. Thus, it may be a good idea for adults to take time before speaking to reflect on their own thoughts, feelings, and reactions because they will affect the way children react. (NCTSN)
Show Support
The most important message for kids is that the adult is there for them, cares about them, and will look out for them. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) recommends beginning a conversation about abuse with a message of support. They suggest something like, “I care about you, and I will listen to you,” and “I will do everything I can to help you be safe.” Adults can also verbalize support by acknowledging kids’ feelings and their version of any events they may have experienced or witnessed, even if that doesn’t line up with the adult’s understanding of what happened. Saying something along the lines of “I want you to tell me how you feel. It’s important, and I can handle it,” or “It’s OK to have mixed feelings about either or both of your parents,” can help convey this. Nonverbal communication is also important in supporting children. A hug or a kiss, staying close to them, and spending time with them are ways to express support without words. In general, just doing simple activities with kids that they are good at or enjoy can go a long way in supporting their resilience. This helps teach them that no matter how stressful things may be, they are loved and can still have fun and feel good about themselves even if they or someone they know is experiencing or witnessing abuse.
Be Age-Appropriate
While it is a good idea to discuss abuse with children of any age, it is important to tailor language and content to their development level. This can help them understand and process the information they need without adding to their worry or confusion. Adults may want to consider using words and examples that children will comprehend and find relevant to their lives. For instance, discussing violence with a young child might include why it’s not OK to hit a sibling or classmate, while teens may benefit from discussing aspects of healthy versus unhealthy relationships as their friends and/or they themselves begin to date.
Ask Kids Questions & Encourage Kids to Ask Questions
When adults ask kids questions about abuse, it can help them find out what the kids know and don’t know and steer the direction of the discussion. Asking children what they’ve seen or what they understand about a particular situation at home, a friend’s home, or in a movie/tv show/book/song can be a good starting place. It can also be valuable for adults to encourage children to ask them questions. Children are often troubled by very different aspects and worries than adults are. Listening to their questions can help adults discover what is really bothering the child so they can do what they can to address it. This can also have additional benefits for a child’s development. “When a parent [or concerned adult] listens and asks those questions and tries to let the child take the lead in expressing their feelings and their needs, the child learns that all of these things matter,” explains Barri Rosenbluth, senior director of Expect Respect at the SAFE Alliance, which promotes healthy relationships for youth, “Ask them what they’re feeling about what they saw, as well as how they think [abuse victims] were feeling. This can help them build a vocabulary for empathy, which is what we really want. A person who can express their feelings in words has options beyond resorting to violence.” Of course, children may ask something that makes the adult uncomfortable or that they are unprepared to answer. In these cases, NCTSN suggests saying something along the lines of, “That’s a really important question. I need some time to think about it and then we can talk again.”
Name & Acknowledge Emotions
Children will likely have strong and perhaps contradictory feelings about abuse. Identifying and acknowledging these emotions can help them understand that they are valid and ok to feel and communicate in healthy ways. Some kids experience difficulty expressing emotions verbally and may cry, lash out, or withdraw as ways to cope with strong emotions. They may use motor actions or strike out to regulate themselves before they can access the higher part of the brain that is responsible for language. If this happens, Echo suggests adults try to name and allow the emotion and address an appropriate response, such as “It’s okay for you to feel angry, but it is not okay for you to hit mommy.”
Children who witness domestic violence may have especially conflicted emotions. They may feel afraid, angry, or sad about what’s happened in the home. They may also feel confused because the person who was hurtful was also loving and/or fun at other times. They may think they have to choose between loving one parent or the other. In these cases, NCTSN suggests concerned adults remember and accept that the child’s feeling may differ from their own and let the child know that it’s OK to talk to them and that they won’t be angry to hear that the child loves the abuser. Domestic Shelters suggests reassuring the child that it’s ok to have more than one feeling by saying something like, “I understand you still love your dad. It’s OK. We can also be upset when he doesn’t make good choices.” If the child trusts the adult with their thoughts, over time the adult can help them to understand and accept the realities about the abuse and how the child feels about it.
Naming and acknowledging emotions can also help children develop better empathy. According to Erin Walsh, M.A. and David Walsh, Ph.D., cognitive components of empathy manifest around age 6 or 7. They suggest that children’s capacity to articulate their own feelings influences how much they feel for others, so identifying and accepting emotions can help build children’s emotional intelligence and foster empathy. For kids who haven’t experienced or witnessed domestic violence, adults can ask them to put themselves in someone else’s shoes with questions such as, “How do you think they felt?” and “How did you feel hearing about that?” The Walshes also suggest responding to a child’s negative behavior by asking them to recognize the emotional consequences of their behavior. For example, “How do you think that made your brother feel?” or “How would you feel if someone had done that to you?” This approach uses the child’s own experience to help them relate to others and recognize the harm of abusive behaviors, both of which help build empathy.
Emphasize It’s Not Their Fault
Judi Nelson, former coordinator of education and outreach at the Sojourner Project, suggests explaining and emphasizing to kids that, “Violence is a choice and that choice is solely the abuser’s. No one else caused it, controlled it, or deserved it.” Children are naturally self-focused and particularly those who experience or witness abuse often think they’re the reason for the violence, that the abuse was their fault, that they are somehow responsible. It is important to assure them they are not in any way at fault.
Be Conscious of Oversharing
Adults should think carefully about how much of their own trauma they share with children. Those experiencing abuse may be tempted to reveal and discuss deeper aspects of the abuse with children, especially teens and older kids who have a better grasp of the situation and may be able to assist and support the adult in certain ways. However, adults need to be wary of putting extra burden and stress on children. When adults share too much of their worries and fears, it can upset children and increase their own worry or make them feel they need to do something to fix it. NCTSN recommends stressing to kids that it is not their job to fix anything and, whenever possible, to rely on other adults for support and advice on relationship or custody issues so children are not the adult’s only support system.
Be Mindful of Trauma
Even if they were present for only one or two incidents of abuse and even if they were young and shielded from the worst of it, children who live in a household where abuse occurs/occurred very likely experienced some sort of trauma. Youth who haven’t experienced or witnessed abuse may also have other trauma from a non-abuse-related incident that could be triggered unexpectedly. According to Toscano, “Trauma responses can be verbal or somatic (in the body). Somatic responses happen when kids internalize their response to the event. This happens when they feel it is not safe to talk. Also, if certain brain areas have not yet fully matured, their experience will be stored in their body. It is important to watch kids after an event – is there anything that has changed or shifted? Bellyaches are common, especially with younger children. Some will be afraid to leave their parent(s). Particularly those under six may identify with the violent behavior [and the abusive adult] in an attempt to regain a sense of control when they feel helpless or powerless.”
Trauma can affect many different aspects of life, including health issues, behavioral problems, and self-destructive actions. Children and adults process trauma and its after-effects, such as PTSD, differently. In children, symptoms of PTSD include irritability, social withdrawal, avoidance of things or people that remind them of the trauma, persistent worry, and an inability to attach to people. Because of different brain chemistries, symptoms of PTSD can be more easily reversible in children than adults, and they can benefit greatly from therapy. Though it may be difficult to do, given the increased health risks associated with trauma and childhood domestic violence, it is also a good idea to share with children’s primary care physicians that there was trauma in the kid’s past, as it may help predict or identify health issues in the future. (Domestic Shelters) Toscano additionally points out that adults who have conversations about abuse with kids may be triggered themselves and should be alert to their own potential trauma. She suggests talking with a therapist or counselor about why it was so hard to have that discussion.
Safety Planning
For those living with abuse, developing a safety plan, including children in it, and practicing implementing it can help increase safety. Babies, toddlers, and preschoolers likely aren’t old enough to participate in or understand a safety plan but can still be assured that they are safe. School-age children can be somewhat involved but giving them too much detail may not be a good idea. “Younger children can’t really do secrets. A little kid might be walking [with an abuser] and say, ‘This is where I’m supposed to wait for Mommy.’ They are trusting,” says Susan Bernstein, a social worker and therapist with expertise in domestic violence. They can, however, learn general safety tips without relating those tips to domestic violence, such as a code word kids can use in any situation where they feel unsafe and/or one for adults to use to signal kids to call 911 or to go to their room immediately. Older kids may be able to handle more details and responsibility, such the reason for the safety code word and helping escort younger siblings to a neighbor’s house in an emergency or comforting them. Every child is different, so adults can judge what each child can handle. Check out DVSN’s two-part August/September 2022 blog series on safety planning, Part 1: Reducing Risk & Exploring Options and Part 2: Different Circumstances and Special Considerations, for more in-depth information on safety planning.
Utilize Alternative Outlets
Some kids will be able to use words and some will not. For those who struggle to verbalize their thoughts and emotions or who do not feel safe talking, alternative outlets such as art, music, dance, journaling, and play can be very helpful. Children often play in ways that mimic common and/or traumatic experiences, which can give adults clues as to what they understand and how they view what they know. “Journaling works particularly well among teens,” according to Crowe. These kinds of outlets allow kids to express and explore what they are feeling and make sense of their experiences without having to talk about it. They can also help kids feel comfortable, safe, and empowered enough that they eventually do begin to participate in conversations. Playing with molding clay, for example, can help children regulate the emotions that come up when they talk about abuse. Echo suggests that regulation techniques such as belly breathing, blowing bubbles, and imagining a safe place can help create a sense of safety, empower the child to share their thoughts, and learn how to self-soothe.
Utilize Resources
External examples and tools can both help start discussions about abuse and help kids understand and process it by relating it to something they are familiar with. Both positive and negative situations in books, TV shows, movies, music, video games, and among people they encounter or interact with in the real world can be opportunities for discussion. For instance, adults could choose an age-appropriate book with themes of abuse to read to a child or share with a teen and use the plot and characters to facilitate a discussion. If a child sees an act of violence in a movie or witnesses a parent hit a misbehaving child in the grocery store, adults can ask them how they feel about it and use it as an example when imparting further information about abuse. “Children’s books are the perfect tool to instigate such discussions,” says Jayneen Sanders, author of Let’s Talk About Body Boundaries, Consent & Respect, a book targeted to kids as young as 4, “They help parents and carers find the words when they otherwise may not know where to begin.”
There are many resources out there specifically designed to assist with these conversations. Carol Santana McCleary is a licensed clinical psychologist who wrote The Day My Daddy Lost His Temper, an illustrated book aimed at ages 5-12. “Specifically, the book is meant to allow the child to see his or her own experiences and feelings reflected in the story,” says McCleary, “In doing so, it validates the readers’ experiences and reduces feelings of shame and isolation.” It is also useful in helping a child verbalize their own feelings and experiences. Domestic Shelters has an online database of domestic violence-related books in various categories, including children’s books and books for teens. DVSN’s February 2021 blog post, “The Romanticizing of Domestic Violence in Literature” has a focus on young adult (YA) literature and includes some recent fiction examples teens may have read or be interested in reading. DVSN also has posts recommending books, tv shows, movies, podcasts, and TED Talks that deal with domestic violence, some of which may be appropriate for older children and teens. Those with abusers in the home may need to be careful about having these resources around, perhaps keeping them with a trusted friend or family member or using them at the library and not bringing them home.
Certain kids just may not be comfortable talking with parents or caring adults they are close to on this subject. This doesn’t mean they won’t talk to anyone, however. Therapists, counselors, teachers, and community service providers can be useful resources as a knowledgeable alternative person for children to have these discussions with. “They may not want to talk to you, but they need opportunities to talk to someone about how they feel,” Rosenbluth says, suggesting that a support group can help serve this purpose, “It’s a wonderful way to help children feel supported and know they aren’t the only one going through something like this, and that there’s help available. It can really reduce the impact of violence exposure to get that social support—especially if it’s easy to access, such as via a group at school.”
Ask for Help
When talking to kids about abuse, Groves emphasizes, “I would never want anyone to think that a parent [or other caring adult] should automatically know what to say. This is why I think the role of external supports, whether it’s an advocate, a neighbor, a friend, a therapist—someone who can really help the [adult] think through what they want to say to the child—are so important.” Groves also suggests getting professional help from a child therapist if an adult is concerned about a child’s mental and emotional well-being. “If your child’s behaviors are significantly interfering with their ability to function at school or at home, if there’s aggression that feels unsafe or uncontainable, if an older child gives any hint of self-harm—these are clear indications that the child needs outside help,” she says, “Parents should not hesitate to seek support if they are worried about their child.” There are trained domestic violence therapists out there who won’t disclose that they’re working with children for domestic violence, or even that that is one of their specialties, and can help to keep appointments a secret from abusers.
According to Nelson, “Kids are very much affected by the social orb outside of the family. To be treated with respect and kindness by other adults in their lives, to have clear messages in schools that violence is not tolerated, that the community provides services and support to those in domestic violence situations. These are powerful elements in teaching children that violence is wrong, that no one deserves abuse and that there is safety and understanding available in their community.” Support can also come in the form of a school counselor, a trusted family member who can take the children on a regular basis, or a summer camp for kids, like Camp Hope America. Pediatricians, teachers, and domestic violence agencies like DVSN are good sources for recommendations of local programs and experts. Having multiple positive role models in a child’s life can help shape a child’s greater understanding of what is acceptable behavior by adults and offset any abusive behavior they may witness and/or experience. It can also help build their sense of self-worth and being valued, seen, and appreciated by others outside of their home environment.
Beyond the Discussion
Going hand in hand with actual conversations with kids about abuse are some further actions adults can take to help strengthen and emphasize what was talked about and provide kids structure and support. These can be ongoing in their lives and, while valuable to reinforce the discussion in the moment, are also applicable anytime.
Model Kindness, Respect, & Nonviolence
While explaining abuse to kids is important, it is also important to back up those words with actions. Though it may seem obvious, treating children the way one wants them to treat others is the critical first step in raising them to reject violence. Children watch and copy how adults behave, so having adults who show them what respecting others looks and sounds like is key, particularly for those kids who also have an abuser in their lives modeling negative behavior. (DomesticShelters) Kids need to see that nonviolence is a better response. Nelson suggests adults can explain this idea verbally, such as, “How we respond to violence is a value of our family. We don’t put our hands on each other in this family. We treat each other with kindness and respect.” To reinforce the words, it is important to follow that up by modeling such behavior and holding children accountable.
Set & Respect Boundaries
It is a good idea to include discussions and modeling of boundaries when talking to kids about abuse. This is the first step in understanding healthy, safe relationship behavior, and consent. This can start younger than one might think. “When they are little babies we can’t ask their permission,” says Sanders, “But we can respect the child by explaining what we are doing, e.g. ‘I’m just going to change your nappy so you can stay clean.’ As they get older, we can say things such as, ‘Can you please open your mouth so I can help you clean your teeth?’” Talking more explicitly about boundaries with kids as young as three can be effective. Adults can set boundaries themselves and respect children doing the same, whether they are emotional or physical boundaries. Kids can learn how to ask permission if they want to touch someone else, even a family member, by adults using questions like “Do you need a hug?”, “Can I hold your hand?”, and “Do you want me to help you take off your shoes?” and backing off if the child says no. Sanders suggests extending this practice of permission to situations such as doctors’ visits by requesting that health professionals ask before examining a child, such as “Can I touch your sore knee?” If they don’t ask, Sanders suggests the child or adult can speak up with a polite correction like, “You didn’t ask to do that. We respect personal boundaries in this family; would you mind asking next time?” Modeling setting boundaries is a great way to show children it’s OK to be their own advocate.
Continue Routines & Discipline
While not a tip for a discussion on abuse itself, continuing established routines and normal discipline can go hand in hand with talking to children in an effort to make them feel more comfortable, particularly those who have experienced or witnessed domestic violence. Adults who worry about exposing children to abuse may purposefully or unconsciously “go easy” on them after an incident to try to make up for the trauma. However, structure and stability are paramount to children, particularly when violence is present in the home. Continuing to keep a routine going and being consistent with discipline can help provide this. (DomesticShelters) “If a young child feels that there’s some predictability in his world, that helps a lot,” Groves says.
Additionally, according to Rosenbluth, “We have to notice how our children treat their friends and how their friends treat them.” How children interact with and treat their peers sets the stage for how they do so as teens and adults. Adults may be reluctant to get involved with inter-child issues such as name-calling, disagreements, or even physical aggression in order to allow kids to learn to resolve these on their own, but Rosenbluth feels it is important to help children talk through their feelings and to brainstorm ways to resolve the differences with an adult. “If they’re used to talking with you early on about the smaller stuff,” she says, “They’ll be more likely to come to you later with issues about peer pressure, bullying, or even a boyfriend or girlfriend who is exhibiting possessiveness or violent behavior.”
Considering and implementing these tips can help make talking to children about domestic violence more straightforward and effective. This is not a definitive or exhaustive list, rather a guideline of suggestions. Every situation, every adult, and every child is different, so incorporating those that work for the people involved and adapting others to better fit the situation is often the best way to go. However it is accomplished, and whether or not the child or adult has personal experience with abuse, having these discussions with children can help increase their safety in the present and the future in order to experience healthy relationships throughout their lives.
Please check this monthly blog to read updates about DVSN
and stay informed about domestic violence.
Or, join our mailing list to get the information sent conveniently to your inbox!